A Letter To E

Dear You-Who-I-Missed-The-Most,

How are you? I know it sounds cheesy, but honestly, the question has been stuck in the back of my mind for one and a half year. Since I have left you, I have been to some new places, have witnessed beauty in some part of the world, and have met some strangers in the street. I would be lying if I said they didn't get me excited. But the truth is, you are the only one who can make my heart tumbles with a love and comfort that I can't explain. 

I reach back in time four years earlier to the days we met. It was a cold rainy day in December when I arrived with a bunch of tourists. While they were complaining about the weather, I was really happy that I could finally escape the tropical heat. It was my first time visiting a place which has a totally different culture from the place I was born and raised. Normally, I wouldn't take a risk of going alone too far when I didn't know much about the place I visited. But then it turns out that I felt so confident to explore your city without having any fear. I don't know why I got so attached and familiar with it... It just felt like home. 

I remember there were couple of days I was chosen to be a leader of the group to take them around your place just because I could easily understand the Tube Map and oddly remember some places I had not visited before. I remember how I was like an excited little kid when I entered the Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park and saw the Oxford Street's spectacular Christmas lights. I remember enjoying Ben's-amazing-cookies with a cup of hot chocolate while watching in awe a group of classical musicians in Covent Garden. I also remember the feeling of warmth and comfort when I had my first Christmas dinner with my host family. Ever since, I realised that I have fallen for you. It was the reason I came back to you in a year later, and sure for the same reason as why I will come back again.   

Dear you, these last few years has taught me so many things I have never had before. There were times when I was so cranky and ungrateful about my life, but then God tirelessly give his countless blessings and love to me. I realised that if there's an unconditional and eternal love, it would be the love of God. There were times when I got sick and no one care about me, but then there are my parents who always try their best to help and support me so I can finally get up again. I realised that I will never able to give back what my parents have given me in my life. But if there's one thing I could do, it would be to make them proud of me and always be a good daughter for them. There were times when I was forced to be the person who would always say and do the right things to people around me, but I realised that I will never please everybody, no matter how hard I try. Then, I accept all my flaws and forgive myself for my so called past mistakes.

I am also at the point when I feel more sure that fates are connected in ways we, human, could never fathom. "Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions". When I look back, I realise how many things have happened in unexpected ways that never even crossed my mind. While it has given me a lot to learn, it also has given me a lot to laugh about. Not to mention that I have finally arrived at that stage where a woman starts to question whether there would be a person who fits with all my quirks and imperfections. Somehow, it all makes me the person who doesn't really give a crap about what have happened in my life. Maybe I'm just far too tired to define it, or maybe I'm just getting used to its complexities and surprises.

I don't usually say this, but I have missed you like a million times during this one and a half year. Do you know how much I envy those who could visit you more often without thinking too much about this and that? Frankly, sometimes I feel the unfairness of it. Ah, but does it make our relationship more valuable? Like old best friends who haven't been in touch for years, but when they meet each other again, they could spend hours upon hours or even days upon days talking about anything. Like the day you finally meet someone you love after years having a long distance relationship, you feel so much happy that you will burst into tears.

Some of the reasons I missed being with you is how it has truly allowed me to be free, to widened my horizons, to appreciate everything I have, to know myself well, to befriend myself, and to explore an endless field out there. The reasons why I love living with you is how you could always surprised me and made me notice many things I had never really paid attention to. You made me stronger, you made me feel like there is nothing to be afraid of, as long as we know the limit and always have good intention with everything we do. You made me feel like being alone doesn't necessarily mean lonely. It is actually embarrassing because after moving back here, surrounded by my closest family and friends, has weakened me in certain aspects. It is only when I was with you that I would often travel alone. I'm not trying to say that I don't enjoy traveling with my family and friends like what I have been doing this one and a half year, but somehow, I really missed the moment when my heart thumped like a techno drumbeat before I went travel solo. I missed having the fear and excitement of going places alone. 

They say, "save the best for the last", so I save the best part of this letter in the last paragraph. 

You know, I can hardly sleep these days because I have been so excited. I have just got the good news about the scholarship for my doctoral study. If everything goes well, I will meet you again either this September or January! I offer up to the God a fervant prayer of thanks because he gives me one of the greatest things I could ever ask in my life. The thought of meeting you again suddenly brings me a hope, energy and strength of new beginnings. It seems as though I finally found something that was missing in my life. It seems as though I finally found my way back home when I was lost in a maze. And now I'm counting down the days until I can see you again.  

With much love,


N