A Final Goodbye

It was Thursday four weeks ago when, for the first time in my life, I felt like I was living in a dream. Not a beautiful one that got me smiling after waking up, nor a creepy one that made me relieved that it was not real. But one which jolted me to awakening, instantly eliciting a pain within my heart that was so sharp, I found myself unable to go back to sleep after crying. "When would the day come? who would be the first to break my heart?" Such thoughts would enter my mind time and time again... until that day, when I eventually got the answer.

But this time, a reality felt like a dream and was even worse than the worst nightmares I had in my life. At first, that day was almost like any other day. I woke up in the afternoon, the habit that I built every Ramadhan in Europe to shorten the 18 hours fasting. Then I turned on the mobile data of my phone, the habit that I built after waking up, while waiting for the notifications that popped up when the internet was on. This was the moment when I had this bad feeling. I found there were already several missed calls from my sisters. Something that was unusual because it was from both of my sisters. But the worst moment was when I checked my family's group WhatsApp, and found the last chat that came from my father. All of a sudden, it felt like my heart was being pushed by tons of huge stones, then instantly crying out loud. It turned out to be the loudest and longest cry I have ever done in my life.


I never thought that it would be Bang Ardha, my older brother who was just above me, to be the first one who left our family. The one who has been well-known and adored by his family and friends for his "perfection". Even I was jealous of him because he was indeed the "golden kid" of the family. Intelligent (both academic and non-academic), athletic, and musically attuned; basically he's the gifted one who was good at everything he did. And yet, he stayed humble and never like to brag himself upon all his perfection. In addition to my admiration towards him in general, I was especially in awe of his perseverance. I can safely say that next to my parents, he was the strongest person I had ever known. He was a real fighter who tried his best to fight the battles that not everyone, including myself, could face, let alone won. 

In the end, though, he proved that while it might be his perfection that made him admired, it was his kindness that had earned him the love of many people and it was his strength that defined him for those who knew him well. And I think even God loves him so much that he was taken at the right time and also in the holy month (which is also 'his month'; Ardha means Anak Ramadhan). No words can describe how much I regret that the last time we met I didn't hug you so tight nor directly say to you that I really really really love you, Bang. I never thought I would experience a loss so deeply to the point that I almost felt like I was going back to the days when I was inside the black hole. But I know this isn't what you would want to see from there nor what you taught me. Besides, I'm an avid believer that God's plan is always better than our plans (I have already seen that, anyway). Well, see you on the other side, big bro! In the meantime, I'll see you in my dreams, Bang ❤

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