June has always been one of the busiest months, as the end of the semester draws near. Last year, I started my maternity leave just a week before my delivery. This year, it has gotten even far worse than before — in the midst of the increased workload, K got sick and we went back and forth to the hospital, right up until two days before he turned one.
Fortunately, we had prepared all his birthday celebrations a month in advance, so everything went as planned. I didn't expect that at his age, he could already get excited about a birthday. He obviously isn't able to say a word about it yet, but his excitement was just palpable in the way he acted on the day of his birthday party. It was already his nap time, but his eyes stayed wide awake and nothing could soothe him to sleep. He seemed so excited to see so many familiar faces who came to the party, as well as to enjoy the moment we sang Happy Birthday and stare curiously at the blue birthday cake — which attracted not only him but the adults as well. And not long after that, as if satisfied with his own party, he fell asleep for nearly three hours! :))
I'm usually not into celebrations and parties, but there is always something sacred about the firsts — including the time K turns one. People might see it as just another birthday of someone's child, as I used to whenever my friends posted theirs. But only after going through it myself did I realize that there is so much story to tell behind the heartwarming photos we posted. And like something you may have experienced or heard from someone else, my story is probably not much different from yours.
Well, I think almost everything I heard from people who had children before me is true; the bright and the dark side of having kids. No matter how prepared I am (and it took six years to finally say I'm ready to dedicate myself and my life to raising another human being), having a kid is truly the most exhausting thing I've ever experienced. But as they also said, it is the most wonderful time — so much so that even when I get mentally and physically exhausted every single second, I will never trade it for anything. Never.
As they also say, you hit a self-crisis over the things that change within you. Every parent might face a different crisis, but for me especially (I can't speak on behalf of my husband too, as his experience might be slightly different from mine), the changes in my body and brain have been the biggest ones I've faced. Seeing how much bigger I am (this is the heaviest I've ever been), feeling the pain in my body, and noticing how my brain struggles to focus on one thing because it's always working on so many different things at once — honestly, I've never been this much of a multitasker — and sometimes I just want to get it all out of my head but simply can't. It gets really frustrating when you know what to do but you just can't do it... just because, and nothing else.
But, as they also say, having a kid for the first time brings out all the strength and gentleness within you that you never realized you had before. The thing that feared me the most before becoming a mother was my capability to raise a child. I'm not really into children, and due to my introversion, I have a high need for me-time. And on top of all that, I always thought I never had that "selfless" quality inside me that I think is really necessary if you want to become a parent. No matter how supportive your husband and family are, there are just so many things that a mother has to do. But now, looking back on the past year, I think it's a miracle to see that I have broken through all my fears. Because, like they say, once you become a mother, nothing seems impossible. It is just a matter of how great our love for our children and family is.
As they also say, having a kid brings a different kind of excitement too. I say "different" because it might not seem that exciting for most people. Like when I find children's books for bedtime stories (I think many of them have awed me more than K — ha!), when I buy all of K's necessities, try new recipes for him (which I find way more challenging than cooking for adults!!), plan his birthday party, or like when we go to the city aquarium (which we had never visited before) and see those strange creatures — some already familiar and some not — it makes me realize how entertaining it all is. I think sometimes we aim to entertain the baby, but it turns out the adults get more entertained than the baby itself :))
And as they also say, time flies — and it is indeed flying so much faster than I thought. There is actually a lot more I want to share, but it is honestly taking extra effort to write all of this. So I will take my time! But for now, it's safe to say that I really enjoyed the first year of motherhood and parenthood. I can't wait to see what the second year will bring: the year where different challenges will unfold, but also different excitement and joy.
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