Notes on 30 at 03:00 a.m.

Apart from countless yawns and body that feels drained of energy, here I am, still wide awake in the middle of the night. It seems like some thoughts have found their way into my head, constantly appearing from time to time. As if the only way to drive them away is through writing. Some say midnight thoughts are deep, honest and real; and so I try to untangle mine by jotting it down here right now, hoping that I could clearly see what it looks like once it's unraveled. 


Since I was a kid, I have often been told to be confident despite my weaknesses. Little did I know that it apparently took a lifetime to be genuinely one, especially for an introverted, shy person like me. Even when I try to fight all my fears by working hard, keeping a poker face, wearing fancy clothes and red lipstick; some people are nonetheless too intimidating. Not always necessarily because they are more, but mostly because I feel less. Sometimes it is difficult to understand and control our emotions and feelings, no matter how hard our rational mind reminds us. We end up feeling small in front of some people, just because of our perception of them or how they build their image to us. 


I remember a few years back, when I was surrounded by people who exhibited the so-called superiority complex, they paralysed me to the point that I had low self-esteem and forgot what it felt like to have confidence. I rarely said no which then bottled up my anger and disappointment of doing so. I even thought that I would never get the bold version of myself and live my life as a people-pleaser. Not to mention that I felt hopeless too, thinking that all the dreams I set so high would never be achieved because of my constant inferiority back then. 



Until one day, I realised that we, as humans, change moment to moment, depending on whom we are with. Everything had slowly changed and fell into place when I started to distance myself from those pretentious people. The experience taught me that we can't control our feelings, but we absolutely could choose with whom and where we want to be around. Surrounded by people who want to thrive together, without making one feel less important than the others, helped me become a better version of myself. 


Although it may not always be the case, based on my personal experience and my observation on others', I realise that quiet often people who like to brag about how great they are in particular aspects, what they are feeling or experiencing is actually the other way around. They are (or were) lacking in that aspect that it becomes a part of their habit to prove that now they improved themselves or convincing other people that they did. And speaking of that, I just found a relevant quote from the book I'm currently reading


In the course of our lives, we meet people who aggravate our sense of inferiority: the friend with a more successful career, the colleague with a better education and looks, the in-laws with a lot more money. But look beyond these externals. People who seem better off have other difficulties, brought on by the very things you envy them. 


It brought me to another realisation that confidence exists in a place where I have less inferiority and superiority. Because confidence isn't about feeling superior to others, it's about our inner knowledge that we are capable of doing things that matter to us. Like Maslow said, only when we are self-assured can we achieve self-actualisation, in which we no longer need validation nor recognition from others. Meaning if we are truly believe in ourselves, we don't need to show off to other people in whichever form, only to get a compliment or project our own insecurity to them. 



Five years ago, I wrote here that the greatest happiness can be achieved once I accept myself as I am and live my life wholeheartedly without (or less) regretting my past choices. But 30 year old me would add bits of advice to my 25 year old me, that it would be difficult to love myself entirely if I don't feel confident. Because confidence means having some freedom to speak up on things that matters to me and to be comfortable with people around me by unashamedly admitting my weaknesses and caring less about what other people think of me (cause I know to be utterly indifferent to them is impossible). And that is what self-love is all about, right? 

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