The Answers

"But... how did you two get back together after three years broke up?"

From my family whom I met only a few months ago to old friends whom I just met again after a few years to new people who more-or-less know my love life from my blog or Instagram, that question must be mentioned among other topics during our conversations. As far as I have concerned, it is indeed one of the most asked questions I have got since I'm back to Indonesia. There are some people who seemed to be dumbfounded when I explained the answers, replied me with "If it's meant to be then it will be, yaaa" (re: memang jodoh enggak kemana yaa). There are some people who are disappointed because I cannot get "bule" or Indonesian who lives abroad. There are some people who look sceptical about our on-offs relationship. There are some people who support us and there are some people who are against us.

That's why I have replied them with various answers, which depends on the level of closeness between us, the level of interest that was manifest in their faces, and the level of patience to listen to my explanation.

I can explain it in less than two minutes:

Well, we both tried to make a new relationship with other person, but none of us was succeeded in that case... then we tried to get close with other people, but we always reached at some points where we finally talk to each other again. And it didn't happen only once or twice during those three years, but more than that... that's why we decided to get back together.

Or,

I can explain it within ten minutes:

Well, it actually didn't happen all of a sudden. Around two years ago, which was a year after breaking up, we started to communicate again... we were technically friends, but the way we acted and spoke when we met, I knew that there was something unspoken between us. However, we decided to move on and tried to make a new relationship with other person, but none of us was succeeded in that case. The funniest thing is that even though we broke up in different year, he was there when I broke up and listened to my story, and also the other way around. Then we lost contact again when we tried to get close with some people... but eventually there were always some points where we ended up texting, calling, and Skype-ing each other again whenever we didn't fit with those people. And it didn't happen only once or twice during those three years, but more than that... that's why we decided to get back together.

Or,

I can explain it in a longer, more detailed way than that, but no more than thirty minutes.

It seems like we unconsciously find a way to get back to each other again.... but it took us a while to finally be honest and certain to commit again. Because we always thought that our relationship isn't meant to be a long-term haul. We were afraid that we would do the same mistakes like we did in the past. We still kept our own ego to tell each other what's our true feelings...  until one day when we Skyped, I dropped my ego by telling him that I just couldn't do this anymore because having him in between is much more painful than letting go of him completely... then I told him we better off make something between us as simple as 'take it' or 'leave it'. Ever since that night, we decided to say yes instead of no, we decided to keep fighting than giving up.

But to tell you the truth, none of the aforementioned answers really represents why we finally choose to get back together. Because it's never easy to answers that one sentence question, and without being exaggerated, I swear that at least it takes a hundred pages book to explain all the answers from my point of view.

Because I think people will never understand my feelings until they meet someone who can make them feel like the most delicate thing in the world. Someone who has seen my worth long way before anyone else does. Someone who knows and accepts my weakness better than the way I know and accept myself. Someone who can make my birthday, the only day that I wish I could forget when it comes, to be a day worth remembering. Someone who has given me freedom to explore the world, to reach my dreams, to satisfy my ambition; and still waited patiently for me to come back home. Someone who has been able to forgive my stupid mistakes. Someone who doesn't like to say sweet words easily, but he really meant it when he does. Someone who was there for me in my darkest time and brought me the light I needed. Someone who can teach me how to love and be loved equally and unconditionally.

Because I think people will never understand my feelings until they meet someone who can just suddenly pop into their mind at anytime and anywhere. Like when my iTunes suddenly play Melancholy Hill by Gorillaz, and I wish I could turn back time to the day when he gave me our first song. Like when I explored the streets of Barcelona by myself, and I wish I could get lost together with him someday in this city after watching his favourite football players. Like when I cried watching When Harry Met Sally, and I wish our story ended up like any of those happy couples in the movie. Like when I suddenly received a new message notification from him while I was actually trying to refrain from texting him after months of silence by writing 'hi' and hitting it with the delete button on my phone a few minutes before he sent me one. Like when I saw the rain pouring down the Braga Street in last November, and I wish we serendipitously met there.

Because I think people will never understand my feelings until they know how is the taste of almost losing everything, including someone who meant the world to them. There were mornings in which I woke up with big sadness in my heart because I had the same nightmare that came to me over and over again. At first, I didn't know why he always came to my dream... until one day I realised that the nightmare actually came when I unconsciously thought about my true feelings towards him and found that I already lost the chance to tell him how much important he is to me.

Because I think people will never understand my feelings until I tell them that I don't want to publish something as cheesy as a lovey-dovey post like this, because I have been so cautious about the future that is always full of uncertainty. But I cannot hold my self to not write it all down here because I highly believe that this isn't just a post from someone who is being head over heels in love. I believe that our relationship can last to infinity. I believe we finally choose this way, to accept our weaknesses, to forgive our mistakes, to adjust with the new, better version of ourselves; because this is the answer from all those years of searching and understanding.

#ROH 66 : Cycling with Fobi

Sebenarnya dari awal April saya udah pengen banget menulis postingan tentang #ROH yang satu ini, tapi apa daya, mood saya untuk menulis lagi mudah banget turunnya. Anyway, jadi ceritanya tuh selama tiga bulan terakhir ini, level semangat dan rasa bahagia saya cukup banyak berasal dari Fobi, alias si foldable bike (sepeda lipat) yang usia-nya baru 2 bulan. Padahal sebelumnya saya udah sempat skeptis aja untuk membeli sepeda lagi, khususnya semenjak saya mengalami kehilangan sepeda dua kali selama satu setengah tahun tinggal di Rotterdam. Apalagi yang terakhir itu si pencuri-nya meninggalkan gembok saya di tiang parkir sepeda saya! Makin kesel aja deh buat beli sepeda baru lagi. Fyi, pencurian sepeda di Belanda itu udah biasa banget, khususnya di kota - kota besar, termasuk Rotterdam. Bahkan sampai ke taraf dimana untuk mengunci sepeda enggak cukup dengan satu gembok rantai! Enggak heran sih, mengingat kebutuhan sepeda disana kan juga lebih tinggi dengan rentang pengguna-nya yang sangat besar, mulai dari anak balita sampai kakek - nenek. 

Tapi setelah enam bulan tinggal tanpa adanya sepeda, memang enggak enak dan merasa ada yang 'hilang' aja... ditambah lagi saya ini suka merasa bosan aja duduk lama di dalam tram atau metro. Rasanya pengen bergerak! Belum lagi kalo dihitung - hitung ongkos transportasi dari kampus ke apartemen saya, yaa membeli sepeda baru sebenarnya tetap bisa jauh lebih berhemat dibandingkan menggunakan transportasi publik. Alhasil, setelah melewati musim dingin, saya memutuskan untuk membeli foldable bike dibandingkan sepeda biasa, which turned out to be a very much needed and fun companion!

Perasaan bahagia saya ini sebenarnya bukan hanya sebatas karena akhirnya saya bisa merasakan kembali betapa menyenangkannya menghirup udara segar di pagi hari dan sore saat bersepeda, mengayuh sepeda sambil mendengarkan musik sepanjang perjalanan sambil menikmati pemandangan yang udah lama enggak saya lewati (karena rute tram dengan rute sepeda dari apartemen ke kampus saya memang berbeda), tapi juga ternyata dari sekian ragam jenis sepeda yang ada, ternyata Fobi ini memang yang paling tepat untuk saya! Cuma dengan si Fobi saya bisa sepenuhnya merasa aman dan percaya diri saat bersepeda. Padahal sebelum - sebelumnya, meskipun saya suka bersepeda, tapi selama mengendarai sepeda pasti hampir selalu diselimuti perasaan was - was. Maklum deh, saya ini bisa sepedaan tapi enggak ahli banget. Jadi mengendarai sepeda disana yang umumnya memang besar yang mana saya perlu jinjit dulu sebelum mendudukinya, kadang membuat saya takut akan hilangnya keseimbangan. Nah, berhubung si Fobi ini bentuknya kecil, jadi saya merasa bisa sepenuhnya 'mengontrol' diri saat bersepeda. Dan (ternyata) enggak ada yang lebih menyenangkan selain bisa bersepeda tanpa diliputi perasaan takut jatuh atau ketabrak! :)) Bahkan saya sempat menyesal loh, kenapa enggak dari awal aja sih langsung beli si Fobi. Ahh, sudahlah, nanti saya jadi semakin kangen sepedaan bareng Fobi! :')

Between Here and There

"How does it feel like living in two completely different world? It must be so exciting, eh?", my father once asked me.

It's been three weeks since I was back to a place where the air feels warm, humid, and heavy with the scent of tropical vegetation. Despite the fact that I had been here just seven months ago for three weeks, the city never failed to surprise me on how much it had changed since the last time I came. It didn't seem like all that long ago that I met familiar faces and voices. It didn't seem like all that long ago that I saw the massive skyscrapers where expats work and middle classes spend their money, surrounded with unaesthetic slum settlements where the poor live. It didn't seem like all that long ago that I had to book drivers with my phone in order to get from one place to another. It didn't seem like all that long ago that sweat would continually trickle down my clothes so easily. Yet I feel like there's a part of myself that is still up there in the air, not yet returning to my body. It feels like I'm still on a jet-lag; half-confused, half-dizzy, half-lost, as if my system is still reeling from reverse culture shock. Maybe that's why I haven't found a complete answer to my father's question.  

Let's Fall In Love (Again)

December 4, 2015. That day I went to Bandung for the last time before I move to Rotterdam. I didn't intentionally go there only to have a memorable, emotional farewell with my favourite city. Indeed, I went there to attend a workshop, which was extremely boring that I could not wait to leave until it is finished. So I called him whether he wants to accompany me going around the city for a few hours before I go back to Jakarta. Less than thirty minutes later he picked me up. I didn't exactly remember every conversations we had and every places we visited that day, but one thing I remember vividly from my visit is my happiness. The city brought back so many memories of those one thousand two hundred and seventy seven days when we spent our day together. It convinced me to write something that had been on my mind since a long time ago, that he is and has been one of my source of happiness. And so I wrote #ROH 13, while he gave me Let's Not Fall In Love, a song by Big Bang. The lyrics struck me so bad that I played the song over and over again until a few months later, when I finally accepted his thought of why we cannot be like we used to be.

May 7, 2017. Seventeen months later, we met again in the same city. Without no doubt, a lot of things had happened in our lives before the day. We tried our luck by contesting the 11.505 km distance between us. We tried new possibilities by opening up our heart to other people. But it seems like the universe has been on our side. Neither distance nor time can completely make us turn our back on each other. So we decided to try us once again. That day, I should have played one of my favourite songs by Frank Sinatra in his car and told him that it's time to change our songs to be, Let's Fall In Love. Even though I know that he doesn't necessarily listen to the song to believe that we can be like we used to be.