Reproducing Happiness in My 30s

A while ago, a reader of my blog reached out and asked for permission to replicate my series, "Reproduction of Happiness (ROH)," on her own blog. She mentioned how much she loved the posts and wanted to create her own version. I was a bit surprised but also touched that someone was still thinking about my writings, which is something even I struggle to do. It's been a long time since I made an extra effort to romanticize the little things around me and put them into words (I mean, the last time I posted something related to the series was 4 years ago!!), so reading her post brought back memories of those days. By the way, when I read her version, I could completely relate. If I lived in Yogyakarta, I would have made Kaliurang and Rain as my own ROH too! ;)

I couldn't help but revisit my own past posts about how I used to keep reproducing my happiness. It's amusing how many of them focus on trivial things that I don't think I would write about now, because it's like... why did I even have to write a post about Bakpia? :)) I also realized that while some of the things I posted related to ROH are no longer familiar to me, many others still are and have even become part of my habits or routine. In a way, it's good to know that those things that make me happy are still close to me, but in another way, as they've become part of my routine, I get used to them and most of the time forget their meaning. 

I should still thank my younger self, nonetheless, because all the posts look very sincere — as if she truly enjoyed and meant it. I first created the series to remind myself to appreciate the little things often overlooked in daily life. It was also my way of counting my blessings, romanticizing life, and helping me temporarily escape from my present reality, especially when I was worn out with my routine. And I could clearly see all of this in my previous ROH posts. 

Honestly, adulthood, especially as I navigate my 30s, feels like being in a platonic relationship with life — often lacking the passion I had in my 20s and becoming something I just need to go through until the end of my time (and as I write this, I realize it sounds quite dark, lol). It's not that I'm depressed or anything, but to put it simply, I think I've just become more blunt, pragmatic, skeptical, and apathetic about life itself. It's more difficult these days to keep my poetic self alive, which includes taking the time to appreciate every happiness I've experienced and convey it through words. But then, aren't we adults like that? We've dealt with the so-called real-life problems and responsibilities that we just don't have the time to be poetic. Even my friend once said to me that only the privileged ones are able to.

But I don't know, lately I have this urge to bring out my weird emotions that I think can only be cured by jotting down whatever thoughts I have. I say "weird" because there are some feelings that linger from time to time even though they've passed and sometimes they overwhelm me — although in a good way.  

The heart flutter of having a rare, strong chemistry and attachment to a series, one that has accompanied me for almost two months. It makes me feel like I'm not just watching but actually part of the characters' lives, like a friend who witnesses their growth and feels every one of their emotions as they go through ups and downs. This is only the second time in my life that I've felt this way about a series and the actors playing the characters. It gives me a tsunami of butterflies, an odd excitement for Mondays and Tuesdays (rather than weekends!!), and an abundance of happiness as a fangirl who ship the two characters — both in the series and in real life. My younger self would laugh to know that her older self has become such a die-hard fan, to the point of buying merchandise (something I've never done before as I'm not the person that easily becomes a fan of anything), using a second account to post content, spamming comments on posts about the series and its actors, and crying ugly tears like going through a break up as the series comes to an end :"))

The comfort from being engaged in an open-minded and honest conversation with someone who is not close to me, which I found it is indescribable. Finding an instant connection and a sense of mutual understanding by learning from each other's perspectives amidst superficial interactions is like discovering a gem. The older I get, the more I feel it’s really hard to have such soulful conversations. I often have them with my husband — but it somehow feels different when I do it with others. When you have these conversations with close ones, you mostly share the same perspectives, so you have certain expectations. But when you engage with those who are not close to you, it feels more refreshing, especially when the topic isn’t something you usually discuss with those around you. Their feedback feels constructive, and their compliments seem genuine. I think it's comforting to hear such honest feedback and compliments once in a while, especially regarding things you’ve put effort into.

The joy of quiet, peaceful days when everything goes as planned, and nothing or no one can make you anxious or stress you out. After a night of deep sleep, you wake up feeling light, prepare breakfast, and sip your first cup of coffee without any rush. You manage to complete some daily chores and then proceed to work. When it's finally time for lunch, you either prepare a quick meal or order from a delivery service. As the to-do list for the day is all ticked off, you realize it's already 4 p.m. This means watering the plants and then turning on the walking pad to achieve at least 5k steps a day — I'm being super realistic here, not aiming for the 10k steps goal ;) I've considered writing a dedicated post about my appreciation for this walking pad, which has been with me for nearly a year. However, as I'm unsure of when I'll get to it, I'll just express here that it's one of my best purchases ever. After that, you have dinner with your family and spend the rest of the day doing whatever you like. Sometimes, if you still want to work, you go back to work. Other times, you just want to relax, so you watch or read something that makes you feel good until it's time for bed.

It may appear so ordinary, but honestly, those days when I'm able to do it all are the best kind of days for me. I think in a world where hustle culture is being praised a lot, I beg to differ that all I want is to have a work-life balance without any drama or pressure. However, even though it may seem impossible to achieve such a life (at least for now), I am grateful that there are still days like those.

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Suddenly, it dawned on me that, despite the monotony of my life, I still find happiness in unexpected places, in the here and now, regardless of how mundane or ordinary it may seem, and without the pressure of expectations or the need for grand gestures. Reflecting on the time when I wrote about ROH back in my 20s, it seems like I truly made myself aware of what brings me joy. But now, I simply go with the flow. I don't expect things to make me happy (as happiness is not a static state), yet they always seem to appear in various forms. It's as if I didn't put any effort into making it all work — I don't anticipate finding a series that engages me deeply, or having meaningful conversations with those I barely know, or realizing that someday, those seemingly mundane and ordinary days would be the ones I need the most. So, I would say that probably reproducing happiness in my 30s is finding contentment in simplicity and allowing joy to naturally flow into my life.