I think it started back in college when I developed the habit of reflecting on everything I experienced throughout the year and writing it down as an end-of-year self-note. It wasn’t something I did annually, but at least once every two years, there would usually be a note in between. The last time I did this, however, was four years ago. Even though each year since then has brought me different memories and life experiences — some of which were entirely new to me. Perhaps nothing felt special enough to compel me to write during those years. However, I must say that this year has reignited that urge. There have been some significant encounters, both good and bad, that have made this year particularly memorable.
The year didn’t start in a very good way, though. Never in my life had I thought there would be a day when I felt so betrayed, heartbroken, angry, sad, frustrated, and depressed by my own nation. Even now, I still cannot see a glimmer of hope for this country’s future every time I read the news, which always stirs the same anger, despite the different contexts it brings. But life must go on, and at least there are 42 percent of people in this country who share the same anxiety as I do. So, why not focus on our own lives rather than this country’s, which doesn't seem to care about its own people, right?
And then, at some point this year, I found a quote that best represents what I’ve been thinking and experiencing lately: "Anticipation is sometimes more exciting than actual events." This especially happens when I have high expectations and excitement about something in the future, like visiting places that hold a special place in my heart. I thought I would be drowning in a tsunami of nostalgia when I finally visited the Netherlands after almost five years. But instead, what I felt was just a usual feeling, as if I had just visited it yesterday. It was indeed nostalgic, surreal, and emotional at first, but not as grand as I thought it would be. The same happened when I recently visited Seoul, which had me excited to experience fall foliage again after a long while. I’m not sure if this feeling was because part of the trips were for work, which distracted me, or if it’s true that the anticipation—the process of waiting and looking forward to something—is often more thrilling than the actual experience. Or perhaps it’s just not my thing to revisit the same places.
Regardless of those thoughts, I’m incredibly grateful for this year, during which I traveled more than ever since the pandemic. Vietnam with my family, the Netherlands and Italy with Ican, Banyuwangi with my best friend, and finally Seoul, where I explored the city a bit with my sister. Each trip was even more special because, despite the occasional travel dramas (they’re always part of the experience, aren’t they?), we created new memories together—memories that likely won’t happen twice.
By the end of this year, I came to a realization, once again — this time on a deeper level— that everything in life is temporary, including our interest in the very things that have been a part of our happiness purpose for a long time. It’s the understanding that, eventually, everything in our lives has its own expiration date. It’s not a bad thing, actually, because it means we can move on to other things and discover new sources of happiness and purpose. I think that’s just how life works. Of course, every person has their own “expiration date” for certain chapters—it’s simply a matter of who reaches it sooner or later. In my case, I think it took me a bit longer than many people around me.
It might seem that I belong to that curious, free-spirited group who take their time to truly satisfy themselves. I can say that I’ve been living my life to the fullest since I was in my 20s. I truly explored and did the things I wanted to fulfill my curiosity. I continued doing the same in the past three years, entering my 30s, pursuing the things I couldn’t afford or didn’t have the privilege to enjoy back then. Until one day, I realized that this chapter of my life has come to an end, calling for a new beginning, a new purpose, and, needless to say, a new kind of happiness that I may yet to experience.
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